North Coast 5 Day Ride 15-19th Apr 2024
Hello Thursday Riders,
Breaking news, very first net zero ride achieved on the North Coast Ride, April 2024.
We had a broad spectrum of riders, pillions and non-specifics (they/them/their) on the ride, 8 all identifying as females (1 riding, 5 pillions, 1 DIDO, and Audrey the black Griffon who identifies as a Princess) and 14 riders. Once we assembled on the McGraths Hill summit which happens to be in the car park of Maccas, I did the roll call, I knew that once we picked up Stephen Davies and Frank Henry en route we would tick all the boxes on Thursday Riders Diversity Target 2025, well ahead of our target date of 2025, I was a little overcome in achieving this milestone.
Part of Thursday Riders E.S.G. policy encompasses “diversity and inclusion”, I have been positively engaged in a counselling course specifically focused on D&I to address my “subconscious bias” and to strive for best practice ESG scores. The North Coast ride was an opportunity to put into practice my “new skill set”. Back in my day, when someone said they had blown a tranny, I thought it mean they had a gear box problem, but it means something totally different according to E.S.G
As ride leader I thought incumbent that I should ride in a superior motorcycle, from my personal fleet I chose a Yamaha 1300 FJR 20thAnniversary model, in triple black with gold rims and gold anniversary insignia. It’s a motorcycle where engineering excellence combines with art to form something truly special.
Other motorcycles on the ride included but not limited to the weapon of choice for the spavined motorcyclist known as the Gelande Strasse, hereinafter called GS. It’s a 1950’s concept where a two pot light aircraft engine is encapsulated in a tubular ‘Zimmerish’ frame shrouded in mythical attributes around offroad capabilities. Actually the only time a GS goes off road is when its elderly rider nods off.
Then there was the ‘pussy class’ motorcycles which is made up of various brand motorcycles with an engine capacity equal to or less than 1000cc. Here was my opportunity to practice my new skills, to make the pussy class riders feel more normal by avoiding comments like “my donk is bigger than yours” and use more inclusive phrases and positive comments about them and their inferior motorcycles, I feel content in my D&I achievements. In summary, 1 super FJR machine, about 7 GS and about 7 pussy class, and 1 Porsche identifying as a MotoGuzzi, its currently in the transition phase where some perfectly working engine components and wiring harness are being replaced with faulty ones, this completes the transition process, all government funded.
As part of my ride planning process I involved the government seeking assistance and guidance, I was introduces to The Right Honourable Christopher Eyles Guy Bowen, the Minister for Climate and Energy. Over dinner one evening, Chris really impressed me, he said I should strive for a net zero emission ride, I thought this was unachievable until Chris explained it all to me, how is works and all that stuff, he must have a huge brain Chris because he is really smart.
Chris told me about oxygenic photosynthesis, how nasty greenhouse gases are processed by plants and released as oxygen back into the atmosphere. I asked if this included grapes and hops, it does, I had an idea. He also spoke about the terrible gas cows emit called methane, apparently humans emit it as well. This really got me thinking, which is something I am not usually good at. Exciting times for me.
I have recently been medically diagnosed, I have this thing in my head which makes me think I am skinny and I am actually not, I have been diagnosed as ‘trans slender’. This is where my ‘master plan’ for a net zero ride was formulated. Every cloud has a silver lining as the saying goes.
The Plan: I had noticed that a large portion of our riding cohort were probably undiagnosed trans slender, just like I was. I thought if I could induce the ride group to consume large quantities of wine, beer and beef it would be like ‘carbon capture and storage’ resulting in carbon offset against the inefficient high emitting GS motorcycles. Resulting in the very first net zero ride.
I zealously booked dinner for the ride group at The Pacific Hotel Yamba, the riders arrived early and were ripping into the beer and wine, my plan was working. Then during the meal the steaks were served, it was all going to plan. I secretly collected data, the results were in, the extant data clearly demonstrating the ride group were in the upper end of the forth quartile of the consumption curve. I was so happy, the riders seemed happy as well even though they were unaware of what was really going on behind the scenes.
The evening was jubilant until I noticed something that could derail our path to net zero.
Humans emit greenhouse gases when we breath, more if we talk, and even more if we laugh. There was one very large oversize human in our ride group, his ethnicity have a reputation for being loud, talking a lot and continually laughing, Thursday Riders Privacy Policy prevents me from naming this person so I will use the pseudonym A Batement.
I think Abatement is aware of his environmental vandalism, because everywhere he goes he takes this demure chap whom possess the opposite attributes to Abatement. I give this chap the pseudonym Offset. I had the pair under surveillance, monitoring their behaviour. Something was wrong, they were no longer net zero, apparently they had dinned at a Mexican restaurant the evening prior, the methane emissions were outside the safe limits set by W.H.O. and Thursday Rider ESG Policy.
To meet our net zero target, drastic action had to be taken, both were exiled from the group to Queensland as punishment, they were seen riding off the next morning into the deep north, destination Toobloodywoombamate.
Part of my plan was to release the CCS gases back into the environment so that nature could take its course and oxygenic photosynthesis work its magic turning it back into oxygen, strategically I selected this route, Bendemeer, Yamba, Nymboida, Urunga. The plan was to ride incredibly fast so that the retained gases would be released naturally, specifically around decreasing radius bends and hair pin turns, sure there was some methane released as well but I was taking ‘the big picture’ approach.
I had a fantastic time, Yamba was amazing. The ride group were a jolly and cooperating mob, corner making worked well and thanks to our volunteer corner makers.
Until next time, cheers.
Rod.
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